Walking in her shoes

Walking in her shoes makes me feel strong, confident and beautiful.

Walking in her shoes makes me feel tall and powerful: a force to be reckoned with.

Walking in her shoes makes my legs tired and my feet ache- how did such a small person walk in such tall shoes? The classic, tan, platform, open-toed sandals don’t look like shoes fit for a grandma, they are more befitting of a fashionable 5’10 lady wearing khaki Capri pants, a crisp, white, short-sleeved, collared shirt with long, wavy blonde hair, glossed lips, and big white-rimmed sunglasses. This 5’10 lady would be walking through a park with a lake on a spring day.

But my grandma was not this 5’10 lady, she was a beautiful lady of about 4’11- well the shoes would have made her a bit taller. Hard as it is to imagine my petite grandma in these big shoes, I think to myself that only a real woman could handle those shoes- and grandma Essie was a real woman, a real, magnificent woman- I miss her so much. I wore those shoes today and paired them with a new coral sleeveless shirt from old navy, and tan corduroy capri’s from the gap, an outfit bright, light and fit for spring. When I put on the shoes, I wasn’t thinking about my grandma, but when I glanced at them while studying on a bench a flood of memories came to me- something that’s been happening a lot lately- something I am glad still happens to me a little more than three months after I lost my grandma. I don’t remember her ever wearing those shoes, but I do hear her voice in my head saying, “they look darling on you.” If I would have tried them on in front of her and she would have seen the happy expression on my face she would have told me to take them. Forget whether she liked them, forget whether they were expensive, or if they went perfectly with an outfit she had gotten at JCPenny, she would offer them to me- so generous, so selfless, so caring- how can I ever measure up to the kind of woman she was, how I can I fill her shoes as she did?

Putting the Breaks on a Relationship

You are relieved when you are told to go on your 30-minute break at work, tapping your toes and checking your watch until you can take that study break to watch Grey’s Anatomy, counting down the days to summer, winter or spring break, but in a relationship when your significant other asks if you both can go on a break there is no more toe tapping, counting down, or relief. A break from your relationship could mean any number of things: someone needs space, someone needs time to “find themselves” or simply that someone needs to go see what else is out there and decide if it is better than what they already have. Because break is the first half of “break-up”, we usually believe that it is a bad omen rather than a possible method to fixing something that might not be completely broken- it just needs a few repairs.

I haven’t gone through the experience of a break myself, but I’m pretty sure I felt something similar to the frustration and confusion that comes from this ambiguous request when I asked my boyfriend what would warrant him wanting a break from our relationship. He gave me a list of the usual reasons, first of which was wanting to date and “experience” other things. Even though I knew this was not a present reality, I couldn’t help but get upset. If couples go on breaks to experience new things, new people, etc. how can you forgive and forget those experiences when the time comes to regroup and restore your relationship? In the best case scenario you would hope that with experience comes knowledge and perspective. Dating different people could lead to a deeper appreciation of your significant other and whatever it is about them that leaves their lasting presence in your heart. Sometimes, though, a break does not always come to this resolution- the time apart could make you grow apart and realize that maybe your relationship was not as fulfilling as you thought it was. Both outcomes are okay- a break does not guarantee a return to what once was nor does it forebode a break-up, but it does allow you time to be alone, with your thoughts, with your emotions, and with your perspective, and these will help you come to the right decision.

Not all breaks are taken for new experiences: My friend Daisy* and her high school sweetheart of three years have recently hit a point in their relationship where her boyfriend felt he needed to take a break. He doesn’t want find other people to date, he wants to find himself. At first, Daisy was devastated and confused at the concept of a break from her first and only relationship, and understandably so since the logistics of a break are so vague. Taking a break entails so much back-and-forth: you want to be with this person, but at the same time you don’t because obviously they asked for a break for a reason; you love them, but you hate them; you want to call them, but you don’t want to make it obvious that you are thinking of them; you want your space, but you need your significant other to lean on when you’re stressed or angry or confused. An article on askmen.com suggests that to avoid this onslaught of uncertainty, it is important for both parties to clarify their requests regarding how long the break should last and the desired frequency of contact. Although these guidelines will not resolve all of the confusion, it will make it a bit more bearable. As for right now, Daisy is making it through her break just fine- the outcome of the break is unknown but she is learning to be content on her own, just chilling out with her friends, focusing on her classes and most importantly on herself.

I think that the most difficult part of a break is probably the most obvious consequence of going on one: being alone. In a relationship you develop a sometimes debilitating dependency upon your significant other. They slowly take on a roll as your go-to guy or gal on all issues- friends, school, family, after all they do get to know you pretty well so their perspective is especially significant. While perusing the pages of Richard and Kristine Carlson’s, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love, one tip they provided on how to, “nurture and strengthen your relationships”, changed the consequence of being alone into an opportunity. They suggest that to achieve true happiness- which is really what everybody really wants- you need to find it within yourself and seek it outside of your relationship. As cheesy as this advice may sound, it can offer a silver-lining to the alone factor. During your break or even during a particularly rough patch in your relationship, rediscover what makes you happy when you are not with your significant other because whether you are in a relationship, taking a break from one or not in one at all, you have to create and find your own happiness.

Carrie Bradshaw does not have enough “I can’t help but wonders” up her sleeve to ever encompass the confusion and the questions that relationships raise, and there are certainly not enough answers to solve the ever-present conundrum that essentially is a relationship, but there is the lesson of experience and the value of perspective- whether it be your own or someone else’s, there is something to take away from every relationship whether it ends on good terms or on bad terms, or if the end is unclear.

* this person wishes to remain anonymous